Best Beloved,
In this time of holiday cheer, as I reflect on my life, it occurs to me that you are the epitome of all things wonderful. There is something about you that is plain to see but difficult to describe. Your good looks and devilish charm devastate the innocent hearts of the girls that throng you. And my own heart is long since lost. But that is just the surface, the beginning of all your remarkable amazingness. As I observed you, covertly through my lashes, just going about ordinary tasks, you exhibited such awesome and inspiring prowess in the art of going about your business that I find I can contain myself no longer. The words of praise and devotion that you so richly deserve must and shall reach your eyes! How could I not be moved, indeed, permanently altered, by the experience of knowing a paragon, a gem among men, such as yourself? With these last words of affection, I close.
With the utmost sincerity, your Fond Admirer
My most precious darling,
Although I tell you at every opportunity, I feel that, in this late hour of the night, I must pen my love by candlelight.
I feel an ache in my chest, for my heart has left a gaping hole where it used to reside. When you came near, it took its leave of my body, forsook this shell that has housed it these twenty-one years (and more) and follows you now whither-soever you go.
Your inordinate love for your mother does not concern me as it does some women of our acquaintance. Some strumpets in this world do not understand the true meaning of Filial Piety! So she sits with you while you take your bath. So you kiss her on the mouth. Whose affair is that but your won? Excuse me, darling, I don't mean Affair-affair. I just meant that's your own business, of course! Anyway, dear one, I must dash.
I long for you as a junkie longs for his crack, as a pimp longs for his ************* money!!
My dearest --------,
I know it is hardly safe to be writing, but I can't bear the separation. True, we see each other almost daily, but with our words and actions bound by the secrecy we know must be maintained. My heart cannot be fed by these stilted and restrained encounters. As this letter is anonymously addressed, we cannot be implicated. And so I give my pen leave to communicate my deep longings and fond wishes to you, my heart's own love, and also my fears. For how long can we shroud our love in secret? And what must happen when at last we are found out? Oh to embrace you in the sun's yellow light! To take your hand without fear or shame and tell the world what I whisper to you now; that I, the woman who professed her disdain of men time and again, have at last been caught! And by you, of all people! Imagine the surprise of our acquaintances! But I ought not to torment us both with vain wishes. And so, with one last profession of undying devotion,
I am yours, Faithfully,
--------
DEAR BOO
I cn nevr 4get the tyme i 1st noticed u. ur hot body, ur steez... Playa how you get so fly!
Wen i look @ u i get thrstE. There is no1 like u on Gods earth n i cn hrdly wait till i c u 2moro.
I love those baggy jeans u wear n how u roll up in ur ryde bumpin tha jams.
Sum h8rz be h8n bout u n that chick but i kno u just keep it real.
When u rote me that rap I almos dyde... ur flo's are so epic n u kno i think thatz dope.
Babyboy u stay on my mind n i kno u think about me so
WASSUP WIT IT!
Lets make this ish happen cuz u kno i got nothin but time 4 u.
PAYCE (+love)
My Own Love,
Oh my darling! I had thought to keep my feelings to myself alone. But how can I? Every glance, a single moment our eyes meet, and I am racked with torment. My heart can no longer bear the silence. My feelings cannot be denied. It was folly to try for so long. It has only fanned the flames of my heart's passion. For you alone it beats! Blessed as you are with a face that leaves no woman unmoved and mind and manners so suave, you cannot be surprised at my protestations. Mine cannot be the first heart so fully enamored of your charms, the first mind so caught by your wit. But shall I be the fortunate one? The one who is to be granted this most precious gift, your heart for mine? Only you can tell. I am in suspense every minute. Do not make me wait so cruelly! Just give me some sign, any sign, to tell me that I may dare hope.
Yours in wishful impatience
-------
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Some Good Advice.
Okay. It recently came to my attention that my Good Advice is in extremely high demand. Lots of people ask for it, but still more people don't even know how badly they need my Expert Opinion. Therefore, in a sterling act of public service and selflessness, I've concluded that the only option is to post the advice I give on the internet, for the betterment of the Public at Large. I've decided to start by posting some of the (solicited) advice I've given in the last few days.
Hey, Janel.
I'm really frustrated! My parents keep calling me early on Saturday mornings, and I always get a Stern Lecture about Sleeping In and Wasting My Life and how Youth is Wasted on the Young. Surprisingly... I'm getting pretty sick of it... Any ideas?
Glad you asked. There is an easy fix for this problem, and it works just as well for Nosy Mothers-in-Law who think your Saturday Morning Productivity is any of their business. So here's what you do. Plug the vacuum cleaner in next to your bed. When they call, turn it on, answer the phone, and turn it off again. Say, "Sorry, I was just vacuuming." They'll be so impressed! Then, to get back to your beauty rest, say, "Listen, Mom, I'd love to chat, but this laundry is not going to do itself! Talk to you soon!"
Voila! Suddenly you find yourself sleeping, and your parents aren't writing you out of their will for being a lazy-ass!
Janel,
I bought this Post Secret book for my sister for Christmas. But... I love Post Secret and want to read the book myself! What do I do?
First of all, you need to start your Christmas shopping by just buying a whole bunch of cool things, playing with them, and THEN deciding what you want to give away. The number of gifts you give may be diminished, but the number you get will probably be vastly increased. But as to your more specific problem...If you only open the book partway, you can read it and the spine won't break and nobody's the wiser. Just don't read it while eating jam.
Dear Janel,
The week before Thanksgiving, I went on two dates with the same guy. We had a great time, and I liked him a lot. Then I went home for the holiday, and when I got back, one of my roommates told me she had asked "my boyfriend" on a date. A few days later, her sister came over, on the phone with their mother, telling her how SHE had asked him on a date, and was just sure he would marry either her or her sister. They keep talking about him, and...it's offensive. I'm already making it my mission to get him back, but what are some subtle ways to make the Bitch Twins' lives a little worse while I'm at it?
Okay. You have a few options here, and it really depends on how subtle you want to go, and how much you want to take responsibility for your actions. Houses of girls are always full of passive-aggression, like stealing food, shampoo and laundry detergent. But that might be a little too subtle. My recommendations are these: 1. Make a little bowl of oatmeal and put it in the back of her food cupboard. Hide it behind things so she can't see it too readily. This will be a hotbed for microbial growth. Soon, you will find yourself able to say things like, "Gee, Susan, there's some kind of really gross smell, seemingly emanating from your cupboard...You might want to look into that." (For even more fun, try a flavored instant oatmeal instead of just plain rolled oats. Or put a little milk on it before you put it in her cupboard. There are all kinds of innovations you can make with this fun recipe!) Or, if you want to be even less subtle, 2. You can say really mean things like, "You really need to shave your mustache next time you're going on a date with my boyfriend..." Then you can laugh like a drain and say, "Ha-ha, we can joke about this stuff, cause we're friends." This is especially effective if you open your eyes really wide and smile while saying it, as if you were talking to a very young (and possibly handicapped) child. Hopefully, she will be left a little uncertain as to whether you're actually attacking her.
If none of these seem like your particular poison, you can always try the old "I was in the bathroom stall when she was telling her friend about her Very Suspicious Rash...down there...." If you spread that pretty vociferously, she's probably not going on any dates with anyone's boyfriend for awhile.
Hey, Janel.
I'm really frustrated! My parents keep calling me early on Saturday mornings, and I always get a Stern Lecture about Sleeping In and Wasting My Life and how Youth is Wasted on the Young. Surprisingly... I'm getting pretty sick of it... Any ideas?
Glad you asked. There is an easy fix for this problem, and it works just as well for Nosy Mothers-in-Law who think your Saturday Morning Productivity is any of their business. So here's what you do. Plug the vacuum cleaner in next to your bed. When they call, turn it on, answer the phone, and turn it off again. Say, "Sorry, I was just vacuuming." They'll be so impressed! Then, to get back to your beauty rest, say, "Listen, Mom, I'd love to chat, but this laundry is not going to do itself! Talk to you soon!"
Voila! Suddenly you find yourself sleeping, and your parents aren't writing you out of their will for being a lazy-ass!
Janel,
I bought this Post Secret book for my sister for Christmas. But... I love Post Secret and want to read the book myself! What do I do?
First of all, you need to start your Christmas shopping by just buying a whole bunch of cool things, playing with them, and THEN deciding what you want to give away. The number of gifts you give may be diminished, but the number you get will probably be vastly increased. But as to your more specific problem...If you only open the book partway, you can read it and the spine won't break and nobody's the wiser. Just don't read it while eating jam.
Dear Janel,
The week before Thanksgiving, I went on two dates with the same guy. We had a great time, and I liked him a lot. Then I went home for the holiday, and when I got back, one of my roommates told me she had asked "my boyfriend" on a date. A few days later, her sister came over, on the phone with their mother, telling her how SHE had asked him on a date, and was just sure he would marry either her or her sister. They keep talking about him, and...it's offensive. I'm already making it my mission to get him back, but what are some subtle ways to make the Bitch Twins' lives a little worse while I'm at it?
Okay. You have a few options here, and it really depends on how subtle you want to go, and how much you want to take responsibility for your actions. Houses of girls are always full of passive-aggression, like stealing food, shampoo and laundry detergent. But that might be a little too subtle. My recommendations are these: 1. Make a little bowl of oatmeal and put it in the back of her food cupboard. Hide it behind things so she can't see it too readily. This will be a hotbed for microbial growth. Soon, you will find yourself able to say things like, "Gee, Susan, there's some kind of really gross smell, seemingly emanating from your cupboard...You might want to look into that." (For even more fun, try a flavored instant oatmeal instead of just plain rolled oats. Or put a little milk on it before you put it in her cupboard. There are all kinds of innovations you can make with this fun recipe!) Or, if you want to be even less subtle, 2. You can say really mean things like, "You really need to shave your mustache next time you're going on a date with my boyfriend..." Then you can laugh like a drain and say, "Ha-ha, we can joke about this stuff, cause we're friends." This is especially effective if you open your eyes really wide and smile while saying it, as if you were talking to a very young (and possibly handicapped) child. Hopefully, she will be left a little uncertain as to whether you're actually attacking her.
If none of these seem like your particular poison, you can always try the old "I was in the bathroom stall when she was telling her friend about her Very Suspicious Rash...down there...." If you spread that pretty vociferously, she's probably not going on any dates with anyone's boyfriend for awhile.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
