Some Good Advice.

Okay. It recently came to my attention that my Good Advice is in extremely high demand. Lots of people ask for it, but still more people don't even know how badly they need my Expert Opinion. Therefore, in a sterling act of public service and selflessness, I've concluded that the only option is to post the advice I give on the internet, for the betterment of the Public at Large. I've decided to start by posting some of the (solicited) advice I've given in the last few days.


Hey, Janel.
I'm really frustrated! My parents keep calling me early on Saturday mornings, and I always get a Stern Lecture about Sleeping In and Wasting My Life and how Youth is Wasted on the Young. Surprisingly... I'm getting pretty sick of it... Any ideas?

Glad you asked. There is an easy fix for this problem, and it works just as well for Nosy Mothers-in-Law who think your Saturday Morning Productivity is any of their business. So here's what you do. Plug the vacuum cleaner in next to your bed. When they call, turn it on, answer the phone, and turn it off again. Say, "Sorry, I was just vacuuming." They'll be so impressed! Then, to get back to your beauty rest, say, "Listen, Mom, I'd love to chat, but this laundry is not going to do itself! Talk to you soon!"
Voila! Suddenly you find yourself sleeping, and your parents aren't writing you out of their will for being a lazy-ass!



Janel,
I bought this Post Secret book for my sister for Christmas. But... I love Post Secret and want to read the book myself! What do I do?

First of all, you need to start your Christmas shopping by just buying a whole bunch of cool things, playing with them, and THEN deciding what you want to give away. The number of gifts you give may be diminished, but the number you get will probably be vastly increased. But as to your more specific problem...If you only open the book partway, you can read it and the spine won't break and nobody's the wiser. Just don't read it while eating jam.

Dear Janel,
The week before Thanksgiving, I went on two dates with the same guy. We had a great time, and I liked him a lot. Then I went home for the holiday, and when I got back, one of my roommates told me she had asked "my boyfriend" on a date. A few days later, her sister came over, on the phone with their mother, telling her how SHE had asked him on a date, and was just sure he would marry either her or her sister. They keep talking about him, and...it's offensive. I'm already making it my mission to get him back, but what are some subtle ways to make the Bitch Twins' lives a little worse while I'm at it?

Okay. You have a few options here, and it really depends on how subtle you want to go, and how much you want to take responsibility for your actions. Houses of girls are always full of passive-aggression, like stealing food, shampoo and laundry detergent. But that might be a little too subtle. My recommendations are these: 1. Make a little bowl of oatmeal and put it in the back of her food cupboard. Hide it behind things so she can't see it too readily. This will be a hotbed for microbial growth. Soon, you will find yourself able to say things like, "Gee, Susan, there's some kind of really gross smell, seemingly emanating from your cupboard...You might want to look into that." (For even more fun, try a flavored instant oatmeal instead of just plain rolled oats. Or put a little milk on it before you put it in her cupboard. There are all kinds of innovations you can make with this fun recipe!) Or, if you want to be even less subtle, 2. You can say really mean things like, "You really need to shave your mustache next time you're going on a date with my boyfriend..." Then you can laugh like a drain and say, "Ha-ha, we can joke about this stuff, cause we're friends." This is especially effective if you open your eyes really wide and smile while saying it, as if you were talking to a very young (and possibly handicapped) child. Hopefully, she will be left a little uncertain as to whether you're actually attacking her.
If none of these seem like your particular poison, you can always try the old "I was in the bathroom stall when she was telling her friend about her Very Suspicious Rash...down there...." If you spread that pretty vociferously, she's probably not going on any dates with anyone's boyfriend for awhile.