"Okay, Taylor Swift. I'm over it."

Seriously. Is there no height your duplicity won't reach?

It's not enough that (somehow) you, as a million-feet-tall infant, captivate the hearts and libidos of all males between 12 and 35 (probably infinity, actually- we know how men are), even despite the confusing semi-Asian-eye look. The mermaid hair and 'technically hot body' seem to entrance anyone who is, even in the loosest sense, attracted to girls. I could forgive you for that. It's not easy for me to get along with skinny blondes, but some of those songs are so damn catchy!

But then I found out you had a pony as a child (found out = heard somewhere) and something inside me just snapped. To quote Billy Shakespeare: "the shit hath hitteth the fan."

Taylor Swift! You sing all these songs about 'why you're guarded!' But you seem to have forgotten: You. Were. Privileged. You're whining about how you 'wish you'd never grown up.' PLEASE. Your life is so. Hard.

It must really be disappointing to grow up and realize your parents moved to Nashville just so *you* could become a 'country' 'singer.' Those are some real demons you'll have to battle in therapy, Taylor Swift. Luckily, you have your millions of dollars to pay for it. And your fame. Hell, I bet you can get some pervy shrink to sikowanalize you for free. To her that hath shall be given.

And speaking of that, how difficult it must be for you, dating men famous for their good looks, and wealthy because of their (dubious) talents. Tsk, I'd hate to have to go out with Jacob Black(!!). And by the way, don't you think it's a TEENSY bit lazy to date men who have the same first name as you? I mean from now on you can just yell your own name in bed and who cares? If it's him, maybe you're talking about yourself but he just feels validated. Or you could be pretending some Jonas Brother or Gyllenhall is TL, and they'd never even know it... You're a wily one, Taylor Swift.

I feel really sorry for you, Taylor Swift. It must suck to be a wealthy, famous fetal-giant.


Oh wait.

And if it's not enough that you are never satisfied with your perfect sunshine-man-candy lifestyle, you just have to put out catchy albums designed to remind the rest of us (normal-sized) humans how miserable we actually are. "If Taylor Swift can't catch a decent man, what hope do we have?"

So thanks. A. Heap. Taylor. Swift.